Dear myself,

Why is that, for quite often, we wish so dearly for death? Life is not that bad for us. But we can't deny that we're tired sometimes. Tired with all the work that we must do. Tired with all the struggle to keep on going. Tired of giving our time, our mind, our everything.

Exhausted...

Dear myself... I feel so tired. Just so tired.

Dear myself,

One more year! One more year older! Though we are quite bummed that we're getting older, but we are happy today. We don't need any presents because we are just happy that some people remember. And it's enough to make our day.

We have reached the age when we don't need any presents... and just someone to remember. Sure, presents are nice, but the smile of theirs when they say 'happy birthday' is worth more than the presents. Their voice is more beautiful than any presents.

But I haven't blown the candle or eat the cake yet... hmmm. Oh well, at least I had my birthday noodle.

Dear myself,

We never do really feel lonely, don't we? Maybe it's because that we never are the one to care. Maybe it's because we are insensitive to what we truly feel. Maybe because we don't ever truly realize that we are, in fact, lonely. What we don't know won't hurt us, but when we do know...

I remember that time when grandma died. She looked like she was asleep, but we knew that she never would wake up anymore. Remember that hole in our heart that was created right on that time? Remember we asked 'why'? Remember how we regretted that we didn't go to meet her one last time? That time, our time of waiting for her stories ceased to exist and how we cried in the back of that car... And each time before sleeping, we prayed that we dreamt a little dream of her... Just a little dream of her.

Maybe we were too small back then, to feel the enormous loss. Maybe the word 'lonely' never encountered us in such a young age. But we did feel that hollow feeling in our heart.

Remember Oscar? That little dog that we used to dislike because our heart belonged to the older dog, Lexsy? That little dog that we learnt to love after Lexsy disappeared? That little dog that lived with us for six long years, before it disappeared as well, like Lexsy did? Remember that we cried our eyes out?

That time we had understood perfectly what it meant to be lonely.

That time also, the hole in our heart grew. Maybe even more that we had expected.

Sometimes we do forget that we are lonely. And then... we don't feel so lonely.

But... if you let your mind think, and let your heart feel...

Maybe it's good.

Because we're not numb yet.

But, dear myself... loneliness is such a painful thing.

Dear myself,

Somehow we keep forgetting that we're older. And somehow too, we're not getting wiser. In someway our mind is still like a child's, and we're reluctant to leave such way of thinking. We, still, don't know what we really want in our life. We, still, have too many things that we don't know but our age is telling us that we should. We're children that are thrown to the cruelty of the world without enough preparation and we're scared of how huge and cold the world is.

Dear myself... sometimes I wish for the time to stop.

Dear myself,

One sentence that rings in my head just a short moment ago, 'If only I could die in your arms'. Strange for us who obnoxiously say that we will live a long life and yet we dream to die so often.

Maybe because we haven't found what we're looking for. And all that time of not finding anything exhausts us so greatly and death sounds like a pleasant thing.

But death is not the end of everything. We believe that there is something behind there, behind the death. Heaven or hell, they say. Or reincarnation, they say.

Honestly, I don't really care.

Or maybe I do.

Dear myself, I still want to know where our life will be going to. And maybe we will discover whose arms they would be, the arms that embrace us. Though maybe we won't be dying in them.

And maybe, we could be the arms for someone else too.

Dear myself,

I want to be more useful. I want to be a blessing for someone. Maybe by then, I wouldn't feel so lonely. It's a bit selfish reason, but... maybe by being there for other people, we would be forgiven a little.

We're starving of someone's smile. We're thirsty of someone's warmth. We would do anything, just about anything so we wouldn't feel so alone.

Is it worth it? ...maybe it is.