Dear myself,

I felt the glory of God. It was... indescribable. My heart said many thanks to God. I felt fulfilled.

Before this, I had never felt such strong presence. I had never felt this alive. For one and a half year, I was more dead than I used to be. Dear myself, do you remember how we locked our heart?

It was after that time that our heart that was already damaged was finally broken down into pieces, into ashes. We had struggled to arrange it back together. God was our only hope. But even so, we switched on our defense mechanism. We had the heart that we arranged back locked very strongly. We had frozen our heart. We had made it hard as stones.

It was so that nothing would ever break it again.

In return, our locked heart had made us drifted away from God. God had knocked our heart, but we did not open it because there were too many locks to open. Our heart was too frozen to let His hand reach us. We... had become dead inside.

It was the same question we asked each morning when we greeted God.

'Hi, God. Good morning. How are You today? Busy with all the prayers?'

We greeted God like we were friends. And yet, we still, still could not let Him enter.

We only started greeting Him just recently, and we always asked Him, 'God, this is my frozen heart. Would You accept this? I tried to unlock it... I tried to melt it... but...'

'God... I know You always had Your hand reached out to me... but I can't reach You...'

'Would You forgive me?'

But yesterday You filled me with Your Grace. You had made me made a commitment to forgive the person that made me locked my heart. You had made me made a commitment to stop my addiction to material things.

You had my body shaken by Your power. I had tried to fight it; I was unsure. But You told me to obey. 'Obey.' And I fell inside Your grace. But, God, I was happy. I was alive. My mouth was worshiping You. I worshiped You with all my heart. And I want to keep worshiping You like this, but even with more fire.

Thank You, God. Thank You, Jesus.

I want to keep on longing for You. Forever.

Dear myself,

So this is what it feels like to be content. Not wanting anything more, not needing something more. Everything is just adequate. It has been a while ever since we felt like this, hasn't it?

The time that we're able to just sit, and smile. And say "Know what? I'm glad that I'm alive."

Surely, it's not every time that we feel like this, because turmoils may come crashing down not too long in the future. But, the times like this is what makes all the turmoils worth it.

Problems, sorrow, anger, betrayal, anything, just about anything that are capable to bring depression are a tool. A tool for us to appreciate the calm, tranquil time like this.

Sometimes... we are too caught up in our depression that we forget that times like this will come. No matter how long it is, it will come.

And we just have to believe.

Dear myself,

I like opened window. Opened window brings fresh air into the room, and pulls the humid air out. Opened window brings the chirps of the birds and the sound of swirling wind. Opened window showed the sky, the clouds, and the sun.

I like laying down on my bed, while watching the opened window. It is so serene, so beautiful.

It is time like this... that I can appreciate life.

That time, I do nothing, think nothing, just enjoying the surrounding.

Since most probably, like always, in a few moments, we have to be busy again. Busy with our life. The crowding people each day, the hectic problems each time.

The life is stressing. But... there will be time... for us to just lay down, and... enjoy.

Dear myself,

It is that time again that we feel that unnecessary longing. The time that we are aware that we are alone, and lonely. The time that we miss someone who we are not supposed to miss. And if we try to remember the reasons of that hatred, our heart aches.

Were we wrong to love? Were we wrong to have such feeling to someone who would not return it? Were we wrong to stay? Were we foolish to keep on feeling the same way, to swallow all the heartaches and bitter words just for the sake of being there, beside that person? Were we foolish to love?

That time had become our regret as opposed to sweet memories. The more we think of it, the more we feel bitter, and in turn, the more our heart hurt.

The anger. The loneliness. The longing. The hatred.

The contradicting emotions are inside us right now. And how it tears us.

We promised not to feel this way, myself. We promised to cherish those time, even with all the pains. We promised to learn from that experience, so we would do something better next time.

And we had expected that 'next time' would not come in just a second.

We... cannot deny, that our heart needs someone to embrace it. To warm us from this freezing, stabbing feeling we have. To melt the shield that we built to protect ourselves from new pains, and yet keeping the old pains inside.

...Someone out there would be there for us.

Until that time... let's be strong... myself.

It is cold.

But it will be warm.

Soon.

At its time.

Dear myself,

It was strange, wasn't it? To have people around and yet still feel somewhat lonely. Maybe it was because we didn't talk anything about ourselves to those people. Maybe we didn't trust them enough for us to share our burden.

And then we called for this person who was distanced very far away from us, just because it was too quiet. But, that short phone call to an old friend brightened our lonesome day.

Then somehow I think... that... it is okay not to have many friends. It is okay to have a few trusted friends who would willingly share the burden.

A short phone call. A short aimless talk. But it was enough, strangely.

Dear myself,

Today I found another brokenhearted person. We, that person and I, talked about how shitty we felt, and how we became unable to do anything for a while. And yet, we smiled when we talked. It felt good. Sharing a bit of the burden did help. And it felt good that someone felt similar like what I had experienced.

Myself, you knew how it was. You knew how it was so painful. It felt like your chest was being ripped apart, your heart was pulled out, and then your heart was stabbed here and there many times, and was put back inside.

But this person did feel the same thing. This person we just met today, felt the same thing. And somehow, it felt... relieving. That there was someone out there who felt like we did. That we were not alone.

God, thank You that You allowed me to meet this person today.



PS - For someone who posted about the karma:
No, I don't believe in karma. But what I know is that a consequence exists for every action that you do. You may label it as karma, and I may label it as consequence. What I know is that God judges every action fairly.

Thank you for leaving a comment.

Dear myself,

"I wonder if there is a meaning of a failed love." - Honey & Clover

Yes. I wonder. But we already know that an event holds a certain meaning though maybe we don't know what right now. I wonder if there is a meaning of our bleeding heart. I wonder if there is a meaning of our anger and grudge.

It has been a month ever since it broke, our hearts. The first week was hellish. The thought of death was always in our mind. The thought of continuing life was unbearable. We were ultimately not functioning.

The second week was still hellish. The longing was torturing our inside. The thought of not seeing that person was very painful. But somehow, we could see that it was ending, even with all the denials.

The third week was, yes, still hellish, but we could see a glimpse of heaven. Yes, we still could not help but to miss our once-beloved-person. But we was sure, that there was no way for us to return. We could not bear another heartache.

The fourth week was... better. Finally we came at peace. Finally we could end everything. And finally we could hope again. I wish for a new love. Not right away. But we are sure that we're going to love.

The fifth week comes. We can still feel the longing. But we're at peace... It ended. We're still angry, but... we don't hate the person. I think that's good enough.

I wonder if there's a meaning of a failed love.

Honey & Clover answered: "I'm so glad that I've met you."

Me?

Yes... I'm glad that I have met you... my once-beloved-darling.

But I'm glad too... because I know I can survive without you. And because I'm stronger now. And someday, I will find someone I love and love me back.

Wait for me, my future love. I will find you.